do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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