If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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