i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
