My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I would fuck him just for his dog
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
