if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
