we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
