I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
