I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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