Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
