You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
