last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
