TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
