tell your sister to shave her snatch
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
