Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
