I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
