Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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