Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
