: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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