my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
