Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.