This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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