On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
