Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
