i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i need some magic done to my vagina
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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