First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
