cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my god I love twenty year old dicks
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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