tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
