So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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