I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
