Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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