It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
