Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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