At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
