My Higher Power is John Stamos
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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