I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
