Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
