hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
