i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
