Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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