My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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