i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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