so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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