haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
