bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
