found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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