The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
