Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
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I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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