literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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