I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
