i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
