Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
