Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
