My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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