i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
