I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
